I Used to Work Part-time at Christie’s

November 29, 2009

My other passion is writing, and today felt like a good day to flex the muscle. A friend of mine is the auctioneer for the Lightspeed Fine Arts charity event. Having witnessed him in action, it inspired me to whip this up.

Okay ladies and gentlemen, these are the rules…ma’am let me tell you the rules first…no, first the rules, THEN we start…I’m happy you want to bid though…The rules: Raise your hand only if you are bidding…ma’am why are you raising your hand?…There are NO items up yet ma’am, PUT YOUR HAND DOWN…thank you… Next rule: when you bid, YELL. If you are at the back of the room I may not see you and I don’t want to miss a bid…Ma’am, you’re at the front of the room, and WE HAVEN’T STARTED YET…thank you…Next rule: cash is preferred, but we can accept credit cards…Yes ma’am that includes Mastercard, no I don’t need to see it, hold it until you actually WIN something…thank you…

I tend to speak faster as the bids go up, so we can sell as many items as possible for as much as possible…No ma’am I’m not from New York City…yes I know they talk fast, but…Ma’am? would you like to start bidding? THEN CALM DOWN…thank you…

All right then, our first item up is a lithograph courtesy of Lightspeed Fine Arts. It’s one of my favorites, featuring the cast of Lost In Space, with autographs. Bidding starts at $1000…

Do I hear $1000? Helllllooooo…anyone out there?

“$1000”

Yes, $1000 to gentleman in the back, need $1100, can I get $1100? WAKE UP! Yeah I see those heads pop up..one of you needs to step to $1100… $1000 going once..

“$1100”

YES! $1100 down in front, can I get your phone number later…only if you win? never mind can’t skimp on the charities…can i get $1200…come on folks, you’ll never see this again…one of a kind…I see you two talking,you know you can skip the rent…

“$1200”

$1200 in front, the landlord will be ok…can I get $1300…

“$1300”

Whoa! this is what I’m talkin’ bout…$1300 from the back, can I get $1400?…you’re already duckin’ the rent, you can go all the way…no? You sure??

$1300 going once

$1300 going twice…Ma’am? Yes ma’am we have started..yes ma’am you CAN bid now haven’t you been listening? YOU WERE TEXTING A FRIEND??? Ma’am, it’s $1300 do..you..want..to.. bid??

“It’s Lost In Space? Ooo I  loved that show! $2000 I’ll throw it on my card”

$2000…from the front…can I get $2100 from the back?

“Dude let her take it! She’s gonna give you a stroke!”

$2000 going once…

$2000 going twice…

You guys are gonna let her take it?

“YES!”

SOLD! $2000…Ma’am, if that credit card is declined…it went through? Thank you!

 

Good Luck to the Lightspeed crew! I hope you raise a ton of money for those charities!

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3 Responses to “I Used to Work Part-time at Christie’s”

  1. Marc B. Lee Says:

    AWESOME!!!! My own story in print!!! Fantastic short read. Keep up the good work dear. I’ll be standing in your book line pretty damn soon.

    Marc B. Lee
    International Show Host and Auctioneer

  2. Gary Hasson Says:

    Marc is a treasure. On Dec. 5 & 6, 2009, this will be the 10th year that Marc has been the MC and auctioneer of our event. Many charities owe him a great deal in encouraging our many generous customers and actors in bidding on memorabilia and collectables and getting the top dollar when possible.

    Everyone looks forward to our auctions because no one knows what Marc will do next! Will he model Virgina Hey’s lingerie as he has done in the past? Will he throw in a lap dance with one of the actors to get that extra $100?! I can say that no one leaves the charity event without laughing the entire time. He’s a showman par excellent. And he’s a great human being.

    We are very lucky to have him. He’s a must see.

    • rosalindsstudio Says:

      Hi Gary,
      Yes, Marc is one of those people who I call a “friend for life”. I’ve known him just about 20 years, and he never ceases to amaze me. Good luck with your event!


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